How do I get over a breakup?
I remember the night my relationship ended as if it were yesterday. I was curled up on the living room floor at 2 AM, phone in hand, scrolling through old photos of us with tears blurring my vision. My chest ached in a way I’d never felt before – a deep, hollow pain that was as physical as it was emotional. Sleep wouldn’t come, and my mind raced with What if and If only. One moment I was sobbing uncontrollably; the next, I was numb, staring at the ceiling feeling nothing at all. If you’re reading this in the thick of heartbreak, I want you to know: you’re not alone. I’ve been there, and it truly hurts. In fact, there’s real science behind why breakups feel so painful – and understanding it helped me take the first steps toward healing.
Why Breakups Hurt So Much (The Science of Heartbreak)
When my heart was broken, I used to wonder if I was being dramatic – after all, it’s “just” feelings, right? But it turns out heartbreak is not just in your head; it’s in your body and brain too. Research has shown that the pain of a breakup is very real, even on a physical level. In one study, brain scans of people who had been recently dumped showed activity in the same areas of the brain that register physical pain (Why does heartbreak hurt so much? Science has the answer | Live Science). In other words, your brain treats a broken heart similar to a broken arm. In my case, that throbbing heaviness in my chest and the pit in my stomach were validated by science – heartbreak hurts like physical pain because your brain literally processes it that way (Using the logic of neuroscience to heal from a breakup – Big Think).
What’s more, the emotional rollercoaster you’re on has a biochemical basis. When we fall in love, our brain pumps out feel-good chemicals (dopamine, oxytocin, etc.), making us feel euphoric. When that love is torn away, those chemicals plummet. At the same time, our bodies surge with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline – the same ones we produce when we’re in danger (Why does heartbreak hurt so much? Science has the answer | Live Science). This cocktail can cause real physical symptoms: you might lose your appetite, have trouble sleeping, feel shaky or nauseated. I remember my hands literally trembling when I saw my ex’s name pop up on my phone shortly after the breakup. That’s your body in a mini fight-or-flight mode, flooded with stress chemicals.
Neuroscience also shows that going through a breakup can resemble withdrawal from an addiction. Losing your partner – someone who was a source of comfort and pleasure – sends the brain’s reward system into shock. One remarkable finding by researchers is that the brain activity of the heartbroken can look like someone going through drug withdrawal (Using the logic of neuroscience to heal from a breakup – Big Think). No wonder I felt desperate and panicky in the days after – my brain was craving the person I lost, much like an addict craves a fix.
All this science boils down to a simple truth: if you feel like you’re in actual pain, it’s because you are. Heartbreak activates your pain pathways and dumps your system into chaos. Understanding this was oddly comforting to me – it meant I wasn’t “weak” or “crazy” for feeling so completely shattered. If you’re feeling physical symptoms or intense anxiety, know that it’s a normal biological response to the trauma of loss. Your broken heart is taking a real toll on you, but it will gradually mend as your brain and body adjust.
Heartbreak, Attachment, and Grief
Another thing I learned is that a breakup isn’t just an ending of a relationship; it’s the loss of an attachment. As humans, we form deep emotional bonds with our partners. Psychologists call this attachment, and it’s wired in us from childhood. According to attachment theory, when we lose someone we’re deeply attached to, it triggers a response very similar to grief (Attachment and Grief: Experiencing Heartbreak and Loss). In fact, many of the feelings we go through mirror the stages of grief we might experience after a bereavement.
I recall days of denial – waking up hoping it was all a bad dream – followed by flashes of anger at being hurt, bargaining with the universe (“If I do X, maybe we’ll get back together…”), crushing depression, and (only much later) glimmers of acceptance. These are often described as the five stages of grief (originally outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross) (Your Permission (and Guide) to Grieve a Breakup). Of course, these stages don’t happen in a tidy order. One moment I’d accepted it was over, and the next I was back to searching for answers or feeling enraged at how it ended. Breakup grief is messy and nonlinear – and that’s normal. You might cycle through shock, loneliness, anger, and sadness multiple times.
Attachment research also shows that how we handle a breakup can depend on our attachment style. For example, people with an anxious attachment style (like me, if I’m honest) tend to experience more intense emotional and even physical distress after a breakup (Attachment and Grief: Experiencing Heartbreak and Loss). I was the type to feel like I lost a part of my identity when I lost my partner. On the other hand, those with a more secure attachment might cope a bit more steadily (though they still feel pain, of course). The key point is: if you’re feeling devastated, it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of coping – it may mean you loved deeply, and your mind is reacting accordingly.
Understanding heartbreak as a form of grief helped me be gentler with myself. I realized that I wasn’t just getting over an ex; I was mourning the loss of a shared future, a routine, and a version of myself that existed in that relationship. That’s a lot to grieve. And just as we’d expect someone to need time and compassion after losing a loved one, we need to give ourselves that same compassion after a breakup. Heartbreak is a real loss, and it’s okay to treat it that way.
Healing After Heartbreak: Steps for Emotional Recovery
Knowing the why behind the pain is one thing, but the big question remains: How do you actually get over a breakup? While I’m still a work in progress, I want to share the strategies that gradually helped me feel human again. There’s no magic switch to turn off the heartache, but these steps can gently guide you toward healing:
Give yourself permission to grieve: I tried to put on a brave face at first, but it only bottled up my feelings (which exploded later in ugly ways). I learned to let myself cry, vent, and mourn the loss. If you need to sob into a pillow or listen to sad songs on repeat, that’s okay. Recognize that what you’re feeling is grief, and feeling it is part of healing. I often wrote in a journal every messy thought and emotion, which helped release some pain. Don’t judge yourself for being upset or tell yourself to “get over it” too quickly – you’re allowed to be hurt.
Take care of your body (and brain): Heartbreak can turn our routines upside down. In the first week, I could barely eat and thought staying in bed all day was the only way to survive. But skipping meals and losing sleep made me feel ten times worse. As hard as it is, try to maintain basic self-care: eat nourishing food (even if just a few bites), drink water, and get rest. Exercise helped me tremendously – I literally remember going on a run with tears streaming, and by the end I was exhausted but felt a tiny bit lighter. Physical activity releases endorphins that combat stress. Even a short walk or some yoga in your living room can release tension. Also, consider mindfulness or deep breathing exercises to calm the storm of thoughts. At night, a calming routine (like a warm shower, herbal tea, or a relaxing podcast) helped my anxious mind get some sleep. Think of self-care not as an optional luxury, but your foundation for recovery.
Lean on your support network: This is so important. Heartbreak can make us feel intensely lonely, even if people around us care. I’ll admit, I withdrew from friends at first because I thought I’d be a burden or I just didn’t have the energy to socialize. But when I finally opened up to a close friend about what I was going through, it was like a weight off my shoulders. Talking about your feelings with people you trust – friends, family, or a support group – can bring comfort and perspective. Sometimes a friend who’s been through a similar breakup can reassure you that you’re not crazy and that things will improve. Let your loved ones cook you dinner, give you a hug, or simply sit with you while you rant or cry. You don’t have to go through this alone, and social support is a big factor in recovering. If your instinct is to isolate, challenge that gently – even a text to someone can start the process of feeling connected again.
Set boundaries (with your ex and with social media): One of the hardest but most helpful things I did was going “no contact” for a while. I stopped following my ex’s social media and avoided those late-night urges to peek at their Instagram or send a “I miss you” text. It was incredibly hard (and I’ll confess I slipped up a couple of times), but not seeing their daily life helped stop reopening the wound. If you must communicate (say, for practical reasons), try to keep it brief and strictly necessary. Additionally, consider muting or removing constant reminders of them – photos, gifts, etc. I stashed away our pictures and blocked some mutual social updates temporarily. It felt brutal, but it gave my heart space to heal instead of constant triggers. Protecting yourself from fresh hurt is an act of self-love. Think of it like giving a physical wound time to scab over; you can’t keep picking at it and expect it to heal.
Explore healthy outlets and new routines: After a breakup, you might feel a huge void in your life – suddenly you have free time that was once spent with your partner, and an emptiness where all those shared plans used to be. Filling that void with healthy activities can help you heal and rediscover yourself. In my case, I signed up for a weekend art class (something I’d wanted to do for years but never did). I’m no Picasso, but focusing on learning a new skill gave me small moments of joy and accomplishment. Maybe there’s a hobby or interest you paused during your relationship – now is a great time to dive back in. Or try something completely new: join that exercise group, volunteer, learn a language, plan a trip with friends, anything positive and just for you. Not only do these activities distract from the pain in a healthy way, they also help rebuild your identity as an individual. It’s about rediscovering who you are outside of the relationship. At first, it might feel like going through the motions (I definitely had times I’d be out with friends but my mind was elsewhere), but keep at it. Over time, you’ll find yourself genuinely enjoying things again and thinking about your ex a little less.
Consider therapy or counseling: There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help to get through a breakup. I decided to see a therapist after weeks of struggling on my own, and it was one of the best decisions I made. Therapists are trained to help you process complex emotions and grief. Mine gave me a safe space to say everything I was afraid to say to anyone else – the guilt I felt, the questions about my self-worth, the anger – and helped me challenge some of my negative thought patterns. Traditional talk therapy or even group therapy (like a support group for divorce or breakup recovery) can provide guidance and coping techniques tailored to you. A therapist can also watch out for signs of deeper issues like depression that sometimes come with heartbreak. If therapy is accessible to you, it can be a huge source of support and healing. Think of it as hiring a guide for a particularly rough stretch of your life’s journey. You don’t have to have a “serious” mental illness to deserve help – heartbreak is reason enough if you’re struggling.
Finally, remember that time is your ally. I used to roll my eyes when people said “time heals all wounds,” but there’s truth to it. As much as we wish to feel better now, healing is a gradual process. There’s no exact timeline for getting over a breakup – some studies say people start feeling better after about three months, others say six, but really there’s no “right” amount of time (How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Breakup? | Thriving Center of Psychology). It’s a deeply personal journey. So don’t beat yourself up by thinking “I should be over this by now.” I promise, as the weeks and months pass, the pain does ease. One day, you’ll realize you went a whole morning without thinking of them, and eventually a whole day. It happens subtly, but it happens. Be patient with yourself and trust that healing is happening even if you can’t feel it day by day.
Finding Support in the Digital Age: The Role of AI-Based Therapy
In addition to friends and traditional therapy, I want to highlight a more recent source of comfort that might surprise you: AI-based therapy. When I was drowning in loneliness at odd hours – say, midnight when everyone else was asleep but my thoughts were racing – I discovered AI therapy apps (essentially chatbots that talk with you about your feelings). I was skeptical at first. How could a bot possibly understand the turmoil in my heart? But one desperate night, I tried one. To my surprise, it was comforting to just pour out my thoughts in a chat and get guided prompts in return. The AI asked gentle questions, like a kind listener, and suggested a breathing exercise when I was feeling panic creeping in. Of course, it wasn’t the same as talking to a close friend or a therapist, but it was available anytime I needed it, which felt like a lifeline when I didn’t want to wake up a friend at 1 AM.
AI-based therapy is an emerging tool that can supplement your healing process. These chatbots use techniques from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and other counseling methods to respond with empathy and practical exercises. One of the biggest benefits I found is that they are available 24/7 – you can open the app whenever the wave of sadness hits, whether it’s over your morning coffee or late at night. You don’t have to wait for a weekly session or for your friend to call you back; the support is right there in your pocket. Accessibility is a huge plus: if you’re anxious about seeing a therapist in person or can’t afford regular sessions, an AI chatbot can be a free or low-cost interim support, accessible from anywhere.
Another surprising benefit is how non-judgmental and private it feels. Sometimes, I found it easier to share really raw, honest feelings with the AI than I did with people, because I didn’t fear being judged. I could confess things like “I still stalk my ex’s profile” or “I feel unlovable” without embarrassment. Studies have noted that these AI therapy chatbots create a judgment-free environment where people feel comfortable sharing sensitive information. The bot isn’t going to gasp or roll its eyes at anything you say. This can be incredibly freeing when you’re dealing with shame or thoughts you feel awkward admitting to others.
It’s important to say that AI therapy isn’t a perfect replacement for human therapy or connection – and it’s not meant to be. There were times I really wished I could get a genuine hug or more nuanced advice that a bot simply couldn’t provide. However, as a complement to other forms of support, AI can be really powerful. In fact, mental health chatbots are seen as a valuable tool in the mental healthcare continuum: they provide help in the moments between therapy sessions or when other support isn’t available, and can even reduce the barrier to seeking help (AI Mental Health Chatbots: Addressing Therapist Shortage). They often use evidence-based techniques (like guiding you through reframing negative thoughts, practicing gratitude, etc.), which can nudge you toward a healthier mindset. And if you’re someone who feels nervous to talk about emotions, a chatbot can be a gentle starting point.
In my experience, using an AI therapy app was like having a kind, patient listener on-call at all hours. When I felt overwhelming urge to contact my ex or was spiraling into negative thoughts, sometimes typing out what I felt and getting a grounded response (“That sounds really hard. Maybe try this coping exercise…”) was enough to steady me. If nothing else, it reminded me that someone (or something, in this case) was there to listen.
If you’re curious, you might give AI therapy a try. It’s not for everyone, but many people have found it a helpful source of support and guidance during breakup recovery. And knowing that such a tool exists – one that’s accessible, anonymous, and always there – can itself make you feel a bit less alone in those lonely moments.
Moving Forward: Healing, Growth, and Hope
Right now, it might feel like the pain will never end. I remember feeling utterly convinced I would never be okay – that the rest of my life would be just a shadow of what it used to be. But here I am, some time later, and I can tell you this: healing is not only possible, it’s inevitable with time and the right care. The aching wound in your heart will become a scar, and that scar means you survived and you healed.
Every storm runs out of rain. The intensity of what you’re feeling now will fade. Little by little, day by day, you’ll have more good hours than bad, then more good days than bad. One day you’ll catch yourself laughing at a silly joke or singing along to a song and realize you genuinely felt okay in that moment – and that moment will turn into hours, then days. It does get better. I know that sounds like a cliché, but it’s said so often because it’s true.
Heartbreak, as awful as it is, can also be a profound period of growth. I certainly didn’t want growth like this, but in hindsight, this experience taught me so much about myself. I became more resilient, more empathetic, and more aware of what I truly need and deserve in a relationship. The same can happen for you. Pain has a way of shaping us, of carving out depth and wisdom in our character. Growth comes from pain, and this pain is helping you become a stronger, wiser version of yourself – even if you can’t see that now while you’re in the thick of it.
Be proud of yourself for facing this, even on days when “facing it” just means getting out of bed or resisting the urge to send that text. You are doing the best you can, and that’s enough. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting or never feeling sad again; it means the breakup becomes one part of your story rather than the defining chapter. In time, you’ll be able to think of your ex or the memories without the sharp pain – maybe a twinge of sadness, maybe even a bit of nostalgia, but not the devastation you feel now.
For now, focus on getting through one day at a time. Lean on every resource you have – your friends, family, therapist, a supportive chatbot, your faith or creative outlets, whatever helps. Shower yourself with the same compassion you’d offer to a dear friend going through this. Because you will get through this.
One day, you’ll look back and realize that this heartbreak, as deeply as it cut you, also made you grow. It may not feel like it yet, but hope and happiness will re-enter your life. New experiences will come. Love will find you again – starting with the love and care you give to yourself right now.
You are going to be okay. In fact, you are going to emerge from this stronger and more you than ever. Keep going. The light at the end of the tunnel might be hard to see, but it’s there, and each step you take – each day you endure and care for yourself – brings you closer to it. Healing is possible, it is happening even now, and a brighter chapter awaits once the storm of heartbreak passes.
Take a deep breath, hold on to hope, and know that you’re not alone on this journey to feeling whole again. Your heart will heal, and you will find joy and love in life after this breakup – I promise.